Friday, 11 July 2008

STATUTORY DECLARATION

STATUTORY DECLARATION : HANG TUAH

I, Malay-machista hereby solemnly declare
that i have evidence that Hang Tuah, the Malay hero of yore
was and always has been a WOMAN.
i have reasons to believe that all malays, except for some,
had always been deceived that he was our true Male hero.
herewith i list the reasons of the aforementioned..

  1. There was never mentioned, in any written text, nor in any oral tradition version, when Hang Tuah was actually circumcised ( a compulsary practise for Muslim Man)
  2. There was never mentioned, in any written text, nor in any oral tradition version, any occurences of hang Tuah and friends went swimming naked, a normal practice of Malay boys
  3. There was never mentioned in "Risalah Hiburan Melaka", a gossip magazine of 1400-1511, about any romance / scandalous affair of Hang Tuah
  4. hang Tuah managed to grab the famous keris of Taming Sari by chance. Tamingsari was in total shock when he gripped Tuah from behind, and discovered that Tuah has a pair of very soft flesh with two slightly oversized nipple ( for a man ), thus Tuah, sensing his cover was about to be exposed, quickly grabbed the kris and stabbed Tamingsari
  5. Tuah killed Jebat because Jebat accidentally cut Tuah's belt, thus exposing his underwear. seeing that Tuah actually didn't have penis, Jebat laughed madly. Tuah took the chance and killed his friend.
  6. When Tuah kidnapped Tun Teja from terengganu, they spent months sharing a small cabin of a tongkang on their way back to Melaka. why wasn't Teja Pregnant? Tuah was never known to be religious...
  7. towards the end of his glory days, Tuah mysteriously disappeared. legend has it that he went to Mecca in apparition. the legend was untrue. he ran away because if he were to die in Melaka, the Imam would know....
  8. his real name is DANG BUAH
I also hereby solemnly declare that never at any time during
the construction of this declaration, was i ever threatened nor
forced to make the aforementioned statutary declaration.

2 comments:

Don Balon said...

Dey.. enough of non-sense la dey.. hehe
i) No historical evidence that could prove his very existence..

ii) In the event that he existed, he for sure got lotsa hypes surrounding him.. too honest, too loyal.. caramba!

Anonymous said...

Hang Tuah is chinese bodyguard lar.

They are loyal and will die for their master. That is the life of a bodyguard.